Words of Hope for World Cancer Day

On this World Cancer Day, I have been encouraged to share the Caring Bridge blog posts that I wrote while being treated for Stage IV inoperable cancer. When I was first told my prognosis - which was pretty dire - I decided to use Caring Bridge to provide a real time update for all those who were praying for me and supporting me on my journey. The resulting words are inevitably quite raw. There was no point in being anything other than brutally honest about how I felt, however, I soon realised that the hope and peace that God was giving me was infectious. So on this World Cancer Day, I publish this blog, with all its chemo brain imperfections, in the hope that it may help to shine some light in the darkness for someone else out there battling cancer.

Several friends have suggested that I set up a page on this wonderful website to share my journey, the ups, the downs, the amazing way in which the Lord is lifting me up and specific prayer requests. The first thing to say is that I woke this morning full of chemicals and hope after my first chemo treatment. I really didn't know what to expect and didn't sleep a wink the night before but it was fine. The worst part was having to hold my hands in bowls of ice throughout to prevent my nails breaking up and causing infection - that distracted me pretty effectively from any other feelings on the matter. But this morning I woke with a sense that my journey to recovery is now well and truly underway. With so many prayer warriors on my side and the wonderful medical team how can I fail to beat this into submission. Thank you everyone for your amazing support which has so moved me and buoyed me up. God bless you all.

It's official.... I've got a goldfish brain. Chemo seems to have done something to my short term memory, and I can’t' seem to retain anything for more than about 30 seconds (think Dory in Finding Nemo). I have now resorted to putting post it notes everywhere to remind me when a) to take drugs b) when I have taken drugs c) not to take them again!!! Having had two children it reminds me of pregnancy brain (minus the baby). Mercifully it does pass quite quickly, but in the mean time I am warning the family not to expect any Einstein moments!

Had a great day yesterday. Had a visit from my dear friend Charles from Oxford who came bearing flowers and a wonderful book of Celtic benedictions which I will treasure. We both have a great interest in Celtic Christianity and we were able to pray together in my special prayer spot in the fields above my house which has a wonderful view down over the valley. It was on this spot - known as Cowper's alcove - that the poet William Cowper gained many of the inspirations for the Olney hymns which he co-wrote with John Newton, former curate of my church and author of Amazing Grace. We also had a great catch up all things World Vision, on the recent United Nations General Assembly, the recent PRC meeting and the exciting work on our next Global Campaign. He also told me about just how many people were praying for me.

I confess I felt quite overwhelmed with gratitude. I cannot tell you what the amazing prayer and support of my colleagues has meant to me. I am convinced that it is this prayer that is rendering my treatments so effective. Every time my oncologist says how well the chemo is working, I just say 'there's a lot of people praying for me'.

Later in the day I also had the chance to talk to my boss Dave Young who again has been such an amazing support to me. I reflected with him on how different the experience of this illness would have been in my previous media roles. It is not that I didn't work for, and with, very caring people, but there is something unique and very special about being part of the World Vision family and I thank the Lord for this blessing every day.

Well I've just completed my 4th chemo cycle. It’s hard to believe that I am now over the half way mark of this part of my treatment. I seem to be responding very well indeed although my white cell count is still very low. Apparently I was close to the cut-off point today at which they would be unable to give me chemo - so I am relieved we were able to go ahead.

During the more challenging times in this process, I have sometimes struggled with a tension between a profound and tangible sense that I am truly in God's hands in all this and the messages from the medical staff which have at times been difficult (I am beginning to realise that they try to manage expectations by outlining worst case scenarios and working on the basis that when things turn out better, then it’s a real boost).
But God has been speaking to me more clearly now than ever in my life before. He has already told me in no uncertain terms to open the doors to him, but at times I have to admit that I still find it hard to trust completely.

Yesterday I risked the potential bugs and went down to early morning communion at our church as I prepared for my next chemo cycle. I was so glad I went as once again God spoke to me so clearly - this time about TRUST.

I had already been praying for the Spirit to help me trust more deeply and fully, and to forgive me for those times when I have not trusted enough. And on that day he spoke to me on that theme in a number of ways.

First of all the Sermon that day was on a difficult piece of scripture from Ephesians 6: 1 – 9 about the need for slaves to obey their masters. A tough one to swallow in the 21st century when slavery is still so prevalent and involve so many children. But what really came through in the sermon was the need for right relationships and trust to enable obedience to God.

I began to see a theme developing as we said the Collect for the day

Faithful Lord whose steadfast love never ceases and whose mercies never come to an end; grant us the grace to trust you and receive the gifts of your love, new every morning in Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

And then when I got home, I was amazed to find a card from some dear friends in my church family together with a leaflet entitled Trusting All Week Long. The message for the day was ‘We should not let a single day pass without asking God. ‘Teach me to trust in your fatherly love.’ There is nothing we need more than such Trust. Those who can trust the father like a child will receive help in all their troubles. The gift of trust is the most precious gift. The father is waiting to give it to those who ask for it. I have the feeling God is getting his megaphone out again.
So this morning once again as I sat hooked up to my chemo drip, I prayed again for the ability to trust and turned to my leaflet. The message for today was:

"The Bible promises us that God the father is greater than all. What a wonderful assurance. His lover is greater than all human love and all human willingness to help. The help he can offer is greater than your difficulties. His forgiveness is greater than your burden of sin. If God our heavenly father, is great than all, then He is also greater than any calamities that may yet come. In every hardship say ‘Father you are greater than all.’ Then you will experience the reality of these words ".
Amen

I've just had my head shaved again to avoid looking like this. My hair has begun growing again, but what is coming back is rather Phil Spector - grey, wiry and crinkly, as it has been through a bad perm. I had begun to resemble a fuzzy billiard ball. Perhaps I will become a grey punk!

A difficult night last night with little sleep. In the daylight it is easier to remain positive, but just occasionally my fears overwhelm me in the week dark hours of the night. As a self-confessed control freak, it is sometimes hard to accept that I'm in a situation over which I really have no control. The challenge is to keep on surrendering day by day and trust in Him.

Here I am all hooked up through my trusty portacath to round five of my chemotherapy. Only one more to go now before I reach the end of this portion of my treatment. While the effects are pretty horrible, I always feel upbeat when going for chemo because I know that it is doing me good. So go for it Docetaxel, kill off those cancer cells!

Our prayers are now that the chemotherapy will have shrunk the cancer enough for me to progress to surgery early in the New Year. There are plenty of very good treatment options other that surgery but there is something psychological about wanting to get this thing out of your body, so that is what I am now praying for. I seem to be responding well to the chemo, and as I keep on telling my oncologist I am truly surrounded by prayer. He hasn't said if he is a Christian, but he, and my oncology nurse, have commented that people with faith seem to cope better with this dis-ease. So as ever, my family treasure every one of your prayers.

Thanks for all the lovely messages on Caring Bridge and Facebook. I feel quite scared about people reading my book - which I must point out is a very small book.

It is really a children's book which came out of a game I used to play with the children at bed time. They would give me two very different words and I would make up a story. I sometimes wrote them down and gave them to the children. This one gained a life of its own and some more poignant themes that might resonate with adults. It is just five chapters long - a slim novella. I am hoping the designers at Amazon will do something lovely with my aunt’s illustrations.

I have however also been spending times in bed recovering from chemo writing about my faith journey. I am not sure if this is publishable yet but I have written all my life - journals, short stories as well as my career in journalism - and I am finding it wonderful therapy.
As I write I have been able to look back and see God's finger prints all over my life and this has provided me with enormous comfort, reassurance and hope for the future.

And I have started to write the intro which talks about the fact that the Greeks have two words for time: Chronos - which is defined as chronological time; sequential string of events hung out on a man-made time line - and Kairos, ancient Greek work meaning the sublime or opportune moment, a moment pregnant with opportunity.

When we look back and seek to read the map of our lives, we enter a space between the two. We are guided by Chronos, the sequence of our lives, but the memories, the images, the sounds and places that drift into our consciousness are those that were pregnant with meaning.
And as the mundane of Chronos fades away we are left with clear footprints in the sand that map out our lives meaning. Perhaps even more than this, we can see those moments when an unseen hand reached out to touch us, to shift our perspective, to alter our trajectory or sometimes to lift us up.

It is in the cracks between the Chronos and Kairos of our lives that we glimpse God"

Well I have now had my last chemotherapy treatment (yippee) and my family and are looking forward to a very special Christmas.
The last couple of weeks have been fairly intensive with tests and meetings with consultants on the next steps.... and I am now thrilled to say that the chemotherapy has been very effective and as a result the cancer has now been declared operable.
Praise and thanks to our amazing God.

My family and I feel we have been given the best Christmas present ever and are just filled with profound gratitude.

I seem to be defying expectations and I know that this is thanks to the prayer that I have been surrounded with. Didn’t Christ tell us “Truly I tell you, if anyone says to this mountain, ‘Go, throw yourself into the sea,’ and does not doubt in their heart but believes that what they say will happen, it will be done for them. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." (Mark 11:23-24)

It has been amazing how often I have also had the chance to discuss this in very interesting ways with the medical staff who say that I am doing ' fantastically'.

We still have a road ahead, with some quite extensive surgery on January 5th, followed by radiotherapy, another small follow up op and hormone treatments which will be used to keep the cancer at bay over the long term. But I embrace all this with a glad heart.
I cannot tell you how grateful, my family and I are for the wonderful support, care and prayers of our friends. It has made a world of difference.

So I now wish you a wonderful, joy filled Christmas and New Year.

Happy New Year to all my friends following this blog. May 2015 be a year full of joy and a sense of living life in all its fullness for you and yours. My family and I are entering 2015 with a renewed sense of optimism, although we know that there are some hurdles that we still need to overcome. I am currently in the process of packing my bag ready for hospital, as I go in for surgery at 7.00 a.m. tomorrow morning. I would be less than truthful if I said that I didn't have any nerves at all - no-one particularly likes going under the knife - but I have so many friends who have endured these treatments including surgery and come out the other side stronger. I also know at a very deep level that I am in God's hands. He has already done so much and I know that he will be with me tomorrow. My specific prayer request for tomorrow is that they can ' get it all' and that this can be the beginning of a real road to recovery. Thank you again to all those who continue to pray for me, I can tell you your prayers are effective.

Well all done. Am now sitting up in bed having a cup of tea (How very British!). Seems to have gone well. Need to wait on test results but surgeon is pleased. He believes that he has got the 'bulk' of the cancer.

Praise the Lord and his servant the wonderful Mr Chin. This really is a huge step forward. Thank you for all your prayer support and the wonderful messages and prayer. I read them just before I went in for surgery and they buoyed me tremendously. Think I'll have a zzzzzxz now!!

It’s been a tough 48 hours courtesy of a device called a vacuum wound drain. Generally they cause few problems but mine seems to have collided with some nerves. I thought childbirth was painful!! Ended up back in hospital today while the decision was made whether to remove. However now back at home equipped with enough morphine to keep me happy as a clam over the weekend!! Am just keeping my eyes fixed on Him and the undoubted progress being made but don't expect yours truly to make much sense in the next couple of days!!!

Yeah - I have finally parted company with the unlikely fashion accessory known in my family as 'the wine bag'.

My nurse, who has a wicked sense of humour, gave me a Christmas party bag to carry round my ghastly vacuum wound drain, hence the nick name (see pic).

In my last post I likened the pain of the drain to that of childbirth, so it was rather ironic that I was given gas and air to help manage the pain of its removal this morning. My nurse saw the funny side of this even if I didn't!

So now I have just have get well enough for radiotherapy and second smaller operation. It still feels as if I am dragging this sorry excuse for a body along a mighty long road but an end is in sight! Thank you Jehovah Rapha.

Actress Sophie Grabel said of her year battling breast cancer (I paraphrase) that it was like being taken out into a yard beaten within an inch of your life and then being told to be grateful. Doesn't matter how deep your faith or how positive you are, sometimes you just have to say it - being diagnosed with cancer is pants!!

Praise the Lord, my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name. Praise the Lord, my soul, and forget not all his benefits— who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagles.

Great news - post surgery tests confirm that my brilliant surgeon Mr Chin managed to remove most of the cancer. Praise the Lord. When I went to see Mr Chin, he was grinning from ear to ear. In a moment of honesty he told also me that, after my first meeting with him in August, he had put his head in his hands and despaired at how he could get ' all that cancer' out of me. . It brought home to me yet again how blessed I have been and how God has carried me on this journey. My response to treatment seems to have defied expectations and even my local GP has admitted, "We doctor's don't know everything". I have also noticed the difference in the tone with which my oncologist speaks to me. Whereas a few months ago, his tone was frankly funereal, now he jokes with me. The other day he said to me. "Now you are going to be around for a good long time, we will need to send you for bone scans every two years." I could have hugged him. I meet the consultant who will be managing the next stage of my treatment appropriately on World Cancer Day (February 4th). My prayer is now that we can remove the final area of cancer with this radiotherapy treatment. Praise the Lord, my soul.

Two thirds of the way through radiotherapy and I am doing a good impression of a dormouse. Radiotherapy is a walk in the park compared to chemotherapy, but after being microwaved each day all I seem to be able to do is sleep. But there are worse ways to spend the day, and hoping that it means it is doing the job!

I now a newly authorised preacher. It was a wonderful service which brought home beautifully the awe inspiring responsibility of sharing God's word. I was a little wobbly but God kept me upright!

In fact, last night, I had a wonderful sense of new beginnings. I won't actually start preaching until after my return to work at World Vision, but I am even more convinced now that God will put me completely back on my feet again.

On Wednesday morning, I go for another CT scan to check how well the radiotherapy has dealt with the remaining area of cancer. My prayer now is that this scan will show just how amazing our God is. I don't get the results until next month - and still have one more operation to go - but will keep you posted. Thank you all of you for your continued prayer, I KNOW that your prayers have been effective and that they are being answered.

Well here I am groggy but happy after the final piece of the surgical jigsaw of my cancer treatment. The surgery went well courtesy of the wonderful Dr Hanna and I have been saying thank you to the Lord from the bottom of my heart for the amazing and gifted consultants and nurses. I am so conscious of how blessed I am to have access to their wisdom and expertise and that many in other parts of the world do not. My constant prayer moving forwards will be for more universal access to not only basic cancer care (hard to access in so many countries) but also universal access to the ground-breaking progress being made. It cannot, MUST not be only for wealthy nations. The current state of affairs is a moral outrage Anyway back off my soapbox (an English term for a cause related rant) Today has also been joyous as I was able to share the news of my remission with the nurses, some of whom I have become very close to. It was also a wonderful opportunity to thank them for their life giving care. I now feel a deep sense of trust that God will use this latest operation as a tool for keeping the cancer for flaring up again, and for giving me more years on this earth than I originally dared to hope for. Praise you Jesus my saviour, healer and Lord of my life.

Well here I am in a now familiar post anaesthetic fog but feeling very happy. Have just had what I am assured is final piece of surgery to remove my Portacath -the 'tap' into a main artery used to administer chemotherapy (my veins have pretty well collapsed). This is really significant as originally my oncologist said he would leave it in as I was very likely to need chemo again soon. But a week ago I received a call saying 'let’s get that thing out shall we?' I was over the moon! Onwards and upwards.